So it’s been far too long since I found time to write you. I was slacking. I had to take a good look at my life and revamp it yet again. I was making foolish mistakes, and making poor choices with social activities that I felt the need to correct. A good friend of mine basically told me I need to get myself together, and I took her advice. Dan is my new sponsor, and I’m glad I made the choice. Right now I need someone in recovery to guide me through things I am going through, and put me in check. He makes me touch base with him once a day, and talk about what is going on with me right now. The more I think I know everything, the faster I realize that I don’t know shit. I had a really rough day at work yesterday, but today is a new day and I will try my best today. That’s all I can do. I actually asked for an evaluation to make sure I was doing everything right, and they told me I was doing great. I need to remind myself that everyone has bad days. I’m still praying every day, although I missed church the last 2 weeks and I feel kind of shitty about it. I’m going to make it a point to go this weekend though. Time to get back on track.

It’s been far too long since I got in the zone, and wrote. Lot’s has happened. Work is good, I’ve been talking with Meghan again (although we still have some differences), and life in general has been good. The last two days have been completely crazy. Just hectic, with the car being in the shop on Monday, and court yesterday, but thank god things are back to normal (Hopefully). I’ve been really stressed out the last 2 days, but I got through it, and stuck it out. I have not been to a meeting since about Thursday, and I feel it. The good news is that I am celebrating my 90 days today, and my home group is today as well. By the grace of God, I’ll be getting my 90 day coin today. I need to stay focused on what is important right now. I’ve been slacking off, and need to jump back on the train. I can do it 

So Angelina is having a birthday party at McDonalds next month. We were going for Chuck E Cheese, but they are booked until March. I helped my sister call around and make the arrangements and what not. I can’t wait! Were getting this guy to come and make balloon animals. He usually dressed up as a clown, but the McDonalds said they don’t have clowns because some people are scared of them. He is just going to come in plain clothes, and do his thing. I seen him at 5 points diner, and he is really good and really funny.

The morning ran a little hectic today, but everything smoothed out by the afternoon. At work today, we paired up with someone to roll play when people ask questions about mortgages. One of us acted like a customer, and the other acted like a broker. There are only 4 of us that, and the person I paired up with was kind of frustrated because she didn’t understand a lot of what Ken was talking about. I played the customer, and started to ask her some basic questions, just to build up her confidence before I started asking her more complex things that she is going to need to know. Needless to say, she got a little frustrated, and I could see her almost wanted to leave. I told her “You know what, let’s just go through this piece by piece, and take it real slow. We’ll do this together.” After that, I started at the top of the list, and broke down every little detail for her, and just explained it in a way I knew she would understand. Ken came in the room and asked if the group needed more time. The other pair said they were ready to go, and the girl who I was paired with (I don’t remember her name) sort of looked at me with this fear in her eyes. I knew she didn’t want to look dumb, and say she needed more time, but I knew she didn’t think she was ready yet. I looked at Ken and said “You know what Ken, I need a few more minutes if that’s OK”. I could tell that Ken knew what I was doing, and he said “No problem, take your time!” So everyone was out of the conference room, and it was just me and her. I looked at her and said “Now you can act as dumb as you want!” and she started laughing. She asked me questions about everything, and I explained everything to her, until she swore she knew it. So after we got done the role playing again, I looked up at her and said “Come on, lets go do this thing”. She stood up and said “Here goes!” It was amazing to see how she went from almost ready to walk out, to actually being excited to do her job. I did to her what I would want someone to do to me if I needed help, and that’s all. Later in the night, Ken pulled me aside again and told me that he heard everything we said, and that he is so glad that I joined the company. He told me that he wants to see how I do, and when I feel like I have enough experience that he thinks I should be part of their training team, or a supervisor. I was really taken back when he said that, being it was only my second day. A position like that is full time, with more money and I’m not sure if that is what I need right now. I like the whole part time thing, because I’m making as much money as I would at a regular paying fulltime job, with half the hours. I am just going to take my time and do my job, and take things as they come. I’m not going to get a big head, or I’m not going to think I’m hot shit. I’m just going to be me, and do the best I can. If he thinks that I would be better with a different position, then I’ll take that into consideration. Until then, I’m just doing this one day at a time.

I’m still feeling a little empty, for lack of better words, but I slowly understand more and more. I still think about the whole situation with Meghan regularly, and the more I think about it, the more I become content with it. I still feel a little love sick, but it’s really only been 2 days, so that’s normal. I have a lot going on right now anyway, and that keeps my mind off of things. I’m actually considering going out on a date next weekend, to “celebrate” it officially being a quarter of a freaking year since I have done any drugs, or even drank any alchahol. That’s a big fucking deal! Plus, I just want a fresh start with a new person. Meghan knew a different person then who I am now, and I think I would have a better chance with someone knowing just the real Gabe. I’m not looking for anything serious, but just to maybe put my foot in the water to see if it’s hot or cold. =) I deserve it, plus I’ve been dying to actually go out somewhere for a while. There is this place I heard of on 21st and Oregon Ave. That is a real nice Italian restaurant and has an upstairs night club upstairs. It’s supposed to be classy. I think it will be a good time, and will be really good for me to get out a little more.

Today I will make a difference. I will begin by controlling my thoughts. A person is the product of his thoughts. I want to be happy and hopeful. Therefore, I will have thoughts that are happy and hopeful. I refuse to be victimized by my circumstances. I will not let petty inconveniences such as stoplights, long lines and traffic jams be my masters. I will avoid negativism and gossip. Optimisism will be my companion, and victory will be my hallmark. Today I will make a difference.

I will be greatful for the twenty-four hours that are before me. Time is a precious commodity. I will refuse to allow what little time I have to be contamminated by self-pitty, anxiety or boredom. I will face this day with the joy of a child and the courage of a giant. I will drink each minute as though it was my last. When tomorrow comes, today will be gone forever. While it is here, I will use it for loving and giving. Today I will make a difference.

I will not let past failures haunt me. Even though my life is scarred with mistakes, I refuse to rummage through my trash heap of failures. I will admit them. I will correct them. I will press on Victoriously. No failure is fatal. It's OK to stumble... I will get up. It's OK to fail.. I will rise again. Today I will make a difference.

I will spend the time with those I love. My family, my friends, and people close to me. A man can own the world but be poor for the lack of love. A man can own nothing and yet be wealthy in relationships. Today I will spend at least five minutes with the significant people in my world. Five quality minutes of talking, or hugging or thanking or listening. Five undiluted minutes with my Mate, my family, and my friends.

Yes. Today I will make a difference.

Work was amazing. Today was amazing. Everything today was perfect. I went to work, a little nervous as anyone would be on their first day. Not knowing what to expect and what not. The day started off with a few of us new people sitting around a conference table, and Ken, the main man there gave us a schooling on mortgages, how they work, and the history of them. Then he pretty much gave us a lecture on speaking with people, and how to be a good presenter. It was very interesting and I enjoyed it a lot. After that, we kind of paired up with people, and then pretty much listened to them talk to clients and what not. After an hour or so, the person who was helping me asked if I thought I was able to do it, and I said I’ll give it a shot. So I tried it, the first time, I closed a deal. One shot wonder. No one could believe it. Ken even brought me aside and said “In all the years I’ve been doing this, no one has ever done that”. It made me feel so good. On the way home, I just had to stop by the church and say a prayer to thank God for all he is doing for me. This was just a great day, but I need to remember that tomorrow might be bad, so be prepared and be humble.

Alright, so last night, I was talking to Meghan on the phone, and trying to plea my case to her. She went on to tell me that she just wants to be by herself. I guess I was being self centered to think that I knew what was best for her. I said the serenity prayer, and within minutes, it hit me. There is nothing I could do, nothing I could say that would ever make her want me. Right now in her life, she wants no one. I can give her space, take space, buy her a million dollar ring, show her in every way how much I just want to be with her, and how much I truly love her. None of that will help. She just needs to find her own way right now, and that’s that. I hate to say it, but I just need to give up, or for better words, abandon it. She is just is not happy with me, and there is just nothing more I can do to try and save us. I gave her all I can right now in my life, and not that it wasn’t good enough for her, but it just wasn’t what she wants right now. I do know one thing; I just can’t go on any more trying to make things work. This has been so stressful to me, and caused me so much pain. I thought it was something I was doing, for so long. I was nice, tried to give her space, and did everything I could. One thing I did do that I shouldn’t have, was I ignored all that was true. I know myself all too well. I know how hard it is for me to let her go, because she’s all I truly ever wanted. I told her to block my screen name, and don’t ever answer if I call. Incase I fall victim to stupidity again, and call her to try and work things out again. I feel like I’m just babbling on right now... But I need to just let her go, and I know that I am prone to call her and give it “one more chance”. I guess we really do live separate lives. I wrote about it before, and said “She just doesn’t want a boyfriend in recovery”. Things will work out for me, and I’m confident that I will find someone who will love me for who I am. I’m just glad I got the serenity to accept the things I can not change.

Today is a big day for my family. My mom settled her case today in court, for a pretty large sum of money. I’m just glad that it’s over, and it will lift a lot of stress off of her shoulders. She was stressing out about this for some time now, and I kept telling her to just hang in there and things will work out. Things could not have worked out better. I really think this year is going to be our year.

I start my new job today, and I’m really excited about it. The crappy part is it’s all the way in Cherry Hill. It’s about a 25 minute commute each way, but the money is good and there is a lot of potential for promotion. I’m just glad to be an employable person right now.

I feel life is really turning around right now. With everything that happened with Meghan, I don’t feel all that bad. I’m actually happy right now. My social life is coming together, I have a decent job, and I’ll be celebrating 90 days next week. I’m actually proud of myself, and for once, I’m truly content with knowing I’m doing the best I can do. Deep down inside, I’m happy. =)

I got a job today. I went to the interview at 5:00PM, and at 5:15 I was offered the position. I’m so blessed that things are starting to turn out for me, but the most important thing here is that I stay humble. Bad time pass, and good times pass also. This is a time where I need to be on my guard. The hours prohibit me from attending meetings that I normally attend, as well as my home group witch is going to be the hardest for me. From past experiences, I have learned that when life is going good for me, that’s where I seem to fall into trouble. I seem to “celebrate” things in the wrong way, and I need to be careful about that this time, especially now that I have to reprogram my meetings. I’m sure God will work things out for me, and I have faith in myself that I will make better choices now, then I have before. I am sure I will need to reach out a little more now. I’m just thankful that I have a job that works around my access to a car. I have no reason to complain. Time to humble myself.

Man, I am so upset right now. I really don’t even know how to say what I am trying to say. Like, am I that bad of a person? Is it in my nature just to be a bad person? I am trying hard to just be positive, optimistic, and be a good person in general, but I still seem to hurt people close to me. I sort of feel hopeless right now. I have a lot of stress, and I keep hearing people talking about cleaning house, but I’m not sure what that means exactly. Like I have an idea, but what should I clean up? I just wish I had all the answers. I really do. Life seems to get so complicated, and at times I just feel like its hopeless. I just wish I could some how get through to people. I guess people will never understand me. Maybe I should just stop listening to what others think about me, or my actions if in my heart I know I’m doing the best I can. No one is a saint, and no one ever will be. We all make mistakes, even when we don’t mean to. I guess it’s making sure that we don’t make the same mistake twice that’s important.

Last night was actually a good time. I made dinner for my mom, then after we ate I went to a meeting. The meeting was awesome, probably the best one I’ve been to in a long time. Lot’s of good people, together, talking about life and recovery. Good shit. We laughed a lot, and shared about where we stand in life. The meetings for me mean so much, but what they really show me is that their really is hope. Most people in there have been where I was, if not worse off then me, and they are doing so well. I know life is always going to throw punches, and I might dodge some, but I might get hit by some also. The important thing, I feel, is that if it’s not how many times I fall down, it’s how many times I get back up.

After the meeting, I went to a friends house with a couple people and we watched Stay Alive. I had a lot of fun with them, cracking jokes and all. Probably as much fun as I had in a long time. You know what, we didn’t drink, and we didn’t use drugs. I don’t need to drink to have a good time. The fact is that I had more fun without drinking then I did when ever I was drinking. I wish sometimes I could crack open a beer, and play beer pong and all the drinking games I used to play. It sucks when I think that I will never be able to drink again, so I tell myself that I just can’t drink today, and it sounds a lot better.

Things with Meg and I have not been the greatest either. I did a few things that she wasn’t to fond of, and she let me know in her own way. I wish it was easier to talk to her, and try to come to an understanding. It’s just hard with the way she deals with her problems. I guess maybe I haven’t been the best boyfriend either. She feels that I have been busy, and have not had time to hang out with her. I personally feel that is not true. Anything that I do revolves around my recovery. Yes, I do go to meetings almost every day, and I may hang out at the club with people in sobriety, but it’s not like I am ignoring her. I need to be around people like that. I feel that I need the encouragement from them until I get on more stable grounds. I feel bad about it, because she feels neglected. Instead of talking it over with me, and telling me how she feels, she chooses to terminate our relationship without giving me a chance to make it better. Now that I understand what is bothering her, I could very easily change it, but I can’t do it now since we broke up again. It would be so much easier if she would just let me know how she feels, that way I can just try to fix it. She feels I’m neglecting her? No problem, I can fix that. It’s that easy. Sometimes we complicate things way more then they need to be.

Well, I feel so much better I got all this off of my shoulders. Thank you journal. You have been there for me lately, to listen to my problems and hear me bitch about life all the time. Even though you don’t say anything to me, you always seem to help the most. Just getting it all out, and listening to myself always makes me.. what’s the word.. Optimistic? Well, I guess I can’t change what happens, only how I react to them.

My positive thing of the day (so far): Sometimes we need to express ourselves in manners that other’s do not agree with. But we need to realize that is all they are is expressions of ourselves.

Well, it's the start of a brand new year. 2008 is now officaly here. It sucks that I have to go to court tomorrow, it's kind of been on my mind all day. I am 99% sure I will go and they will postpone it to another date, but their is always that chance that I will have to face the fire tomorrow. I am almost positive that they will reinstate my probation. My probation officer kinda hinted to it, but it is ultimitly up to the judge. I have faith that God will do whats best for me, and regardless of the out come, I will hold my head high and stand strong. I think I might go to the church and pray a little after my home group tonight. Just me and God..

I went to philly lastnight with Meg, to watch the fire works. We brought in the new year together, and it was nice to just be happy and have a good time with her. No drugs, no alchohol. Just pure clean fun. It was simple, yet very entertaining. We kinda seen a horific sight on the way home. Someone got struck by a car on the Black Horse Pike, and we seen the body. Meg was a little shook about it. I guess she never seen something like that before. I brought up the fact that the driver might have been drinking, and it really seemed to hit home with her that drinking and driving is really no joke. I just feel sorry for the victom, and his/her family. On New Years day.. what a time to go.

Im going to get dressed and go to my homegroup. I really need a meeting tonight.

Okay, so I know I havn't been writing in this thing like I know I should, and I kinda feel crappy about it. Even when I do write in it, I only write some bullshit because I don't have alot of time (like I don't now..) Anyway, I've been tossing the idea of moving into an Oxford House around in my head lately. I mean, I think it's defenetly a positive move for me in my life. What better way to move out, then to move in with people in recovory. I'd have my own room, and live in a house with 7 or so other guys who are like me. I'd pay rent and have responsabilitys around the house like I would if I lived anywhere else. I can have people sleep over, they have a pool table and all. I think it would be a great idea for me. I need to do something right now. I mean I feel crappy that I'm just sitting here not being as productive as I could be with my life. I really want to move out, and I guess grow up. I have been kind of waiting till the new year to look for a job, because I want to see whats going on with court, and I've been helping my sister and stuff. Plus I just wanted to get christmas over with, because it's a stressful time, and I don't want to overwhelm myself right now. So we'll see what happens. I think I'll feel better about myself once I find start working. We'll see what happens. Life is good on the other hand. I'm not sure what I'm doing tonight, but whatever it is I won't drink or use drugs. I can't wait to hit 90 days. It's only 15 more days away.. Goodspeed